I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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