Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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