he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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