Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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