if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
