Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
