the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize