just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
