I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
