i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
