I feel like abortions should bother me more
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
