My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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