Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize