piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
