I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize