yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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