Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
