4 words: hood of his car
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
