Sacagawea was the original milf.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
