According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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