Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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