$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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