i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
