I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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