Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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