turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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