Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
May the power of my ass compel you!!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
