You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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