captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize