ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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