got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
