legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
