i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
