TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
