I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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