if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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