your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
