I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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