How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
