The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
