I must be too annoying 4 u.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
