wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
