so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
