In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
