My hand turned me down
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
