I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize