You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she peed on how many people?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
