So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize