I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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