i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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