I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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