Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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