There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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