Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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