Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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