No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize