woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
