i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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