And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
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