I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
