I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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