I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
