dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize