i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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